The Discipline of Self-Care
Transcript of the episode recording:
It's a misconception that once you start being nice to yourself, once you start looking after your basic needs that you will perform as well.
Hey, big f*cking dreamers. I am so pumped to be here with you today. This is a juicy, juicy episode on the discipline of self-care. It is a topic I absolutely love. So first we're going to get into it with a bit of a personal story, personal update. And I was in a 12 Sep meeting and I am very big on 12 Sep and someone in that program spoke about energy debting. And this really has to do with the topic today because she was basically saying, you know, her entire career, she'd always had these extremely big jobs. And if we think of debting, typically we think of debting in terms of finances, but she really brought this concept of emotional debting and even energy debting in your work. And she was saying that she always had these really huge jobs, but she was always pulling from an empty cup and always almost taking energy that wasn't even there to begin with, really high stress, really high cortisol, and then that landed her at a place of burnout.
And so I just so absolutely related to that because I have gone through periods of burnout in 2020, as some of you guys know, because you've heard my story before. I was diagnosed by my doctor with burnout and she looked at me and she said quite sternly, if you don't change the way that you behave. If you don't change the way that you relate to work, you may never be able to work again.
And that prospect was so terrifying. when I heard that and when I heard that term energy debting, I just thought, when am I giving when I actually am at zero? When am I giving when I really need to be replenishing rather than debting? And I think that's extremely common with lot of my clients. And that's what we're going to be talking about today, where sometimes they'll come to me and they'll say, I am already at f*cking zero, yet I just took on another project or I'm going to have another kid or I'm going to do this good a master's degree. Actually, I'm going to run an Ironman, but I am already feeling like I'm at zero.
I like to do an exercise. I call this life as a pie. And I say to them, OK, imagine that your life is a pie. It could be whatever f*cking pie you want. It could be an apple pie,it could be a, what's that one? my God, I'm such a bad American right now. A pumpkin pie? I've lived overseas for way too long that I couldn't think of pumpkin pie. So imagine that your life is a pie and start thinking about, everything in your life gets a slice. So if you've got a child, that's one slice. If you've got a large career, which the majority of people listening to this podcast do have, that's another slice. If you have three children, let's say, that's a lot of slices if you have a partner, if you have hobbies. And so if you feel like, you are already at zero, you feel like you are already negative in terms of you've got no energy to give, then you actually can't add anything else to the pie. The pie is already bursting. That pumpkin is overflowing. If you want to bring in another piece of the pie, the pie is already at 100%. So what you can actually do is start to think about, OK, my pie is already totally full. I want to just take away something before I can add anything else. And that's almost how you stop energy debting.
And anyway, this is just actually a side tangent that I totally didn't expect to go off of. But I think it's super important, especially for high performers, especially for high performers in tech. If you're in knowledge work, you've got a lot of different things thrown at you all the time and you likely also want to have a career. You want to have hobbies. You want to be in a healthy relationship. So just thinking about, OK, where am I totally spent? If I am totally spent, then what do you need to subtract before you actually add?
And so next, this is kind of a new segment as well. And I want people to submit if you think this is you. So this is a new segment and it is the big f*cking dreamer of the week. So the big f*cking dreamer of the week is someone who is applying these principles, who identifies with the big f*cking dream ethos, which really essentially is you can have your big career, you can really own your power, but also you want to love yourself while doing it. Also, you want to live a holistic life that's so rich in many other circumstances.
So big f*cking dreamer of the week is Tracy Brown. Tracy, hello. I love you, Tracy. Tracy and I go way back. Tracy was actually my first customer success manager. And I remember when my boss told me, he was like, you get a customer success manager. And I was like, I don't need a customer success manager. Like, I can do it all on my own. And then no wonder I was diagnosed with burnout. But Tracy was an amazing customer success manager. And she's just an absolute bad ass.
But Tracy actually went through my program. She was in the first cohort of the life and work transformation. And what she said to me afterwards is she was like, I actually want an add on to this program because I want to repeat everything that that we've learned. And really Tracy is in L &D now. So she really understands that the way to reprogram your subconscious is through repetition. One of my coaches and mentors, Brianna May, she's huge on this. She's got an amazing podcast called The Mind School, but she always talks about repetition, repetition, repetition.
And so Tracy recently has actually just gone through the program a second time. She's like going back, she's doing her homework, she's looking at all the worksheets.Because she knows that in order to get the life that she wants, in order to get the boundaries that she wants, in order to build the career that she wants, but also the holistic life that she wants, because it's not just about f*cking flogging yourself and like doing a bunch of sh*t to then be tired of living a depleted life. So she really is understanding this. So I wanted to give a shout out to her.
And also she told me that in the episode, I believe it was episode 12, which was such a goodie on self-energy and slow productivity. if you haven't listened to that, I would definitely recommend going back. But she actually said that she brought up episode 12 to her team and she said, the concept of doing fewer things and really looking at how many things do we have on our plates and how many are we doing really well? And that's what I want you guys to think about: if you have so many things that are coming at you and that really goes to, you know, the discipline of self-care. How many things are you doing really well, or how many things are you just doing haphazardly, and it's just like a total avalanche, and you're doing everything kind of subpar but nothing really great. So that conversation, she then sent it to some of her team members which I absolutely loved, and they then had a conversation of, maybe we should start doing fewer things. So highly recommend, I mean, that's really just a plug for myself but like highly recommend sending this podcast to your team, using it to get conversations started.Especially if you feel like you're overloaded with work, that last episode was a great one.
All right, so now we are going to get into the meat of the episode, which is the discipline of self-care.
So this is for you if you really find it hard to prioritize your needs. And I'm talking here, your basic needs, which is sleeping eight hours a night, which is going to the gym. You maybe think, okay, I'm going to start eating healthy next week. I'm going to start my meditation practice as soon as I is a really good indicator that there is something going on in terms of discipline. So if you feel like you want to start these healthy habits, but instead, you are just sitting there watching Downton Abbey for the fifth time scrolling on Instagram and you found yourself looking at Donald Trump's nephew from 2008, and you're like all the way back on his Instagram, just like eating link chocolate. And you're like, wow, I really wish that I was in bed in my nighttime routine. But instead I'm like looking at little Harry's Insta. If you feel like that is you, then this is the episode.
You know, the discipline of self-care. Why I really care about this topic is because I did hit a wall in my career journey where I could no longer sustain what I needed to do and I could no longer work at that pace. And sitting there and I wasn't, I wasn't able to work for two years. So was really severe. There was a lot of other stuff going on in the background as well. There was, you know, some mental, some mental health things that I really needed to address. There were things in my recovery that I really needed to address.
But this is definitely on both a macro level in terms of how much you take on, in terms of what the demands of your jobs are, or in terms of what is your life. And I would say the discipline of self-care is also on the micro level. So understanding you probably have more agency than you think. And so when we think about self -care, I really think about four components. So I think about physical self-care, mental self-care, emotional self-care, and spiritual self-care.
And the reason this is important is especially, especially if you're a high performer, because self-care is actually extremely preventative. And what happens with a lot of people is that when I coach people, and I've seen this multiple times during my one -on -one coaching practice, is that when I start to coach people and we talk about these things and we talk about the basic needs of their self-care, which is going to the gym four times a week, which is sleeping eight hours a night, which is getting enough water, which is seeing friends, which is volunteering if they feel called to do that. A lot of people then will say to me, you know what, I just need to be more selfish. You're right, I need to be more selfish. And I am like, I need to start a f*cking revolution because looking after yourself and looking after your basic needs, that's not being selfish.
And a lot of people have come to me in my one-on-one practice, and I do see this as well in the life and work transformation, where they'll say, you know, yeah, this is, I'm just gonna be selfish for a while. This is right. I'm just gonna prioritize what I need to prioritize. I'm just going to the gym. And it's understanding that this is at looking after yourself, both physically, mentally, and emotionally is not selfish. I've rarely ever seen a person act in my practice selfish for just taking care of themselves.
Do you think that actually just taking care of yourself and doing the basic things that you need to feel good in your life, in your body, in your career and in your relationships.Do you think that that's selfish or do you think that this is just basic self-care?
And so now we've got that established. I would also say this is definitely preventative. So if we're looking at what the discipline of self-care really is, if you want to have a thriving life and you want to have a thriving career and you want it to be long like, let's say You are in your 30s right now. Maybe you're in your mid 30s Maybe you're in your late 20s or even early 40s. You're gonna have to work for you know, quite a bit longer I don't think my audience is full of trust fund babies I mean if you are a trust fund baby and you are in my audience like give me a shout out because…yeah, what do you want to talk about? I'm very curious.
But I think that the majority of my audience is in tech, the majority of my audience are high performers. And so understanding that this is going to be a while that you're going to have to work. So if you really get these techniques for self-care and you get them and you start to do them habitually, you are going to be preventing burnout longer term, which then also means that you're going to be able to have a healthy relationship with your family. You'll be able to have healthier relationships with your hobbies, look for things outside of work. So really understanding that this is a total holistic way of life.
In my group coaching program, we actually, first we look at your ideal life because we need to understand what it is that your life wants to look like. And then we go into the non-negotiables.
Non-negotiables are the things that they're actually meeting your basic needs. So again, I look at it in four areas. So what do you need for your physical health? Do you need 10,000 steps a day? Do you need to be working out X number of times a week? Do you need to be sleeping for eight hours a week? What do you need for your mental health?
I know for me, my mental health, that definitely means therapy every other week. Especially given my career, especially given that I am helping people transform. I'm listening to a lot of people's stuff day in and day out. And if I'm taking all of that on, but I have no release valve, it's like, Where does that energy go? I need help processing that as well. So for me, my non-negotiables are really therapy every other week. That is part of it.
And so understanding if you are in any type of caretaking position as well, whether that be a parent, whether that be in sales, also taking care of your client, what are your release valves? What are your systems in terms of where do you download all of your stuff? Not just what do you take on, but where do you actually expel it?
And what I see happen is that people come to me and they come to me quite frequently and they say I wanna get unstuck and I really want to achieve my purpose and I want to almost achieve self actualization. And I think that a lot of my work in my group programs is in my one -on -one coaching is helping people get to their fullest potential.
But if you cannot self actualize, you cannot meet your purpose if you are first not taking care of your basic needs. So if you aren't sleeping and getting the amount of sleep that you need, if you are not exercising the amount, if you are not seeing friends, if you don't feel psychologically safe, whether that's in the workplace, whether that's in a relationship, if you're in constant fear about being made redundant,or if you are in constant fear about what your partner is going to say next and you feel like you're walking on eggshells with them all the time, or you're in constant fear on your finances, it is going to be extremely hard for you to self-actualize and extremely hard for you to meet your purpose. So understanding that this stuff has to actually come first. So you need to get your basic needs really down.
One of my clients as well, what we realized is that when we looked at her self -care routine, and this I see with a few different clients, is that some of my clients go through very intense sprint periods. So this client, she works in events, she's an absolute badass. And there are certain times of the year where she knows that she's extremely on. So she knows she has to be at doing these huge events, she knows there's a big production, there's so many different stakeholders and a lot of moving pieces.
So when we looked at her non-negotiables, we actually made specific non-negotiables and understanding what were the self -care things that she needed to do when she was in one of these sprint periods versus when she was in one of these maintenance periods. And understanding sprint periods and maintenance periods are extremely different.
So if you are in, like if you're in sales, let's say, and you know end of the quarter is extremely stressful for you,or if you're in any type of events production or I've had other clients work in finance, reporting season's really big, I've got another client in publishing, the week that the publication goes to print, she knows that that's a really huge week.
So really understanding, okay, what are the self -care things that you need during those sprint periods versus what are the self -care things that you need during the periods that are more maintenance?
For this one client that I was just speaking about, what we really realized is that actually all social engagements needed to pull back, but exercise was extremely important to her during these periods, and sleep was extremely important to her during these periods. And so she had this mantra that I just said, you know, what do we need to do to end the day and to sleep well? And that was her main thing for her team about all the execution.What are the things that we need to do? And by understanding what was the self care that really needed to happen on the back end of that. And she had that very clearly defined before she went into this sprint period. So it's understanding if you have periods where you're in intense sprints, if you have periods where you're also in kind of like maintenance, kind of in flow periods.
I know for me, I go through launches. So September, I'm about to go through a launch, life and work transformation.It's opening its doors again, which is so exciting. And I had my first person sign up yesterday. This cohort's going to be an amazing one. But I know for me, I do webinars, I do a lot of speaking engagements before then. So September's a really big sprint period for me. So I've already talked to my partner about it, Chris, and I've said, I mean, actually, he's my fiance. He like hates that word. He thinks it's so awkward, but I'm like, my God, you're my, I said it in the park this morning. I was like, my fiance.It was the first time I had said that word and I was like, okay, I felt a little awkward. I'm not gonna lie. But I'm gonna use it, because that's what he's called. But I already told Chris, my fiance, that I'm not going to be able to have a lot of social engagements in September. I know that I'm going to have to pull back. I'm pulling back on writing my novel. I'm looking at my non -negotiables during that sprint period. That looks like working out three times a week that looks like going to recovery meetings per week, keeping up with my therapy, but also sleeping and making sure that everything is prepped before I go into a launch period. I also just want to debunk something as well, because a lot of times when people look at self care and they look at, when they look at actually taking care of themselves and even being kinder to themselves, some of the pushback I do hear is, what if I lose my edge?
I'm a really high performer. I perform at this level because I'm like f*cking harsh to myself because I can push myself. I know what it's like to push myself to the brink. And I'm afraid that if all of a sudden I'm nice to myself, then I'm not going to perform as well.
I love Kristin Neff's research on self -compassion for this because now there is a lot of research saying, and she's done research on this, that's saying,self -compassion really increases resilience, it increases mental health, and it's a misconception that once you start being nice to yourself, once you start looking after your basic needs, that you won't perform as well.
And I've seen this time and time again, both in my own life and in clients' lives, when they start paying attention to their needs, they actually perform at a higher level because they're well -rested, their mental cognition is there, they're able to think better, and they're not just sitting there scrambling,trying to, you know, just trying to survive. And that's the thing, like you're not meant to just survive. if you're looking at self care and you're understanding, if you're not meeting these needs, so if you're saying, okay, I know that I need to do this. I know that I need to meal prep at the beginning of the week, or I know that I need to work out every week this amount of time or sleep this amount of time, but I'm still doom scrolling, understanding what is actually going on when you're not meeting that certain habit?
So let's say, for example, you're doom scrolling and it's like 11 p each night and you're thinking, OK, I was really supposed to go to bed early, but then I just find myself, in a hole about Selena Gomez. And if you're like, why am I looking at Selena Gomez when I should be sleeping? What is the need that's not being met that that doom scrolling is actually fulfilling.And maybe it's that it doesn't feel like you get any type of rest and that that you, I see this a lot with parents, especially parents with young children where they're like 11 PM or 10 PM or whatever is my only time that I get a break. And so maybe it's that you just have a really big craving for rest. Try to understand what it is that habit that's not supporting you. What need is that fulfilling? Because there is an actual need underneath it, supporting your healthy habits, trying to reduce friction.
So say, for example, if you want to go to the gym, I mean, this is basic habits 101, but if you want to go to the gym, where is your gym located? Is it a five minute walk away or a five minute drive away, or is it a 20 minute drive away? How can you make it as easy as possible?
Part of my self-care was drinking more water. I definitely was like not hydrated as well as I should be. And so I'll actually hold it up for people watching on YouTube. So I know that I love drinking out of straws. I mean, straws have been a big part of my life and other areas of my life, but that, you know, I've been in recovery a long time, but I do love drinking out of straws as well. Or not as well, just period. And then, so what I did was I got a water bottle with a straw and I put the straw in and it's kind of like a silicone straw and I really liked the texture and that has nearly tripled my water intake.
Just understanding these little types of things, like what are the things that you could do to support? If you are doom scrolling, understanding what's the need that doom scrolling is being met, but also could you put your phone in another room? Could you charge it in another room and that way you can get more tired? So just thinking about these little things and thinking about, know, are there things that you need to break? Are there things that you need to keep reinforcing?
If you feel like you are,you know, constantly not necessarily where you need to be. You're not meeting these habits that you want. You're stuck in your life. You're stuck in your career. The life and more transformation is opening again on September 26th. We're taking a new cohort. I'm already taking calls for it. So there is going to be a link to book in the call with me. If you feel like, I actually do want to get on track. I do want to live a life that's more holistic. I do want to live a life that's supportive of my wants, my needs, but that is I'm actually taking care of myself. Then I would say this is a program for you. It's for career clarity, but it's also just for life clarity. It is for high performers that work in tech. I will post a link and then I am also hosting a webinar. It is called From Stuck to Thriving, Creating a High Paying Fulfilling Career.This is all about creating a values -based career, about doing things that you love. So if you feel like you are stuck in your career and you want career clarity, come along. I will also put a link in the show notes for that.
If you found any goodness from this episode, send me a DM, reach out to me. If you wanna be a big f*cking dreamer of the week as well, I have also included a link in there. You can apply to be the big f*cking dreamer. I would love to hear any of your success stories about how you're applying this to your life.And I will see you next week!