Holistic Goal Setting
Transcript of the episode recording:
Hey, big f*cking dreamers. So pumped to be here with you today and talking about something that I absolutely love, obviously, because this is my podcast.So which is holistic goal setting.So this is actually setting goals that fit within your huge life and not necessarily setting these like one track goals that are all encompassing that actually neglect other areas. But how do you look at goal setting in a way that is really holistic? How do you look at goal setting in a way that encompasses all the facets of your life, not just one specific one?
So before we get into that, I want to go into my personal update of the week, which also just ties into this topic. So I am wedding planning as you guys. Well, I'm sure you guys maybe know, but I got engaged. I did an episode about that. That was episode 11.So if you haven't listened to that yet, that was a really juicy one where I just talk about my relationship patterns and the things that I did to get me engaged after having quite a toxic relationship history in one way or another.So anyway, I am getting engaged. And something that I've noticed is that people have just said, wow, wedding planning is so stressful and you are about to be so stressed. And I've just thought.Why do I need to be stressed in order to do this?
I mean, we're planning a wedding for later. So it's going to be in October 2025, hopefully if we get a venue that we want. But it's so interesting that people have just said, you you're going to be so stressed and just assuming that. And people do this a lot at different periods of their life. So even like in business, launching a business,oh my God, launching a business is so hard or having children. Having children is so difficult. And I have launched a business and I do not have children. But I just want to bring this to people's attention of when are we actually choosing stress? And also, what is the language around stress?
When are we actually just saying to people, you're going to be so stressed and almost using stress as a default of just that something's going to be hard? And I think especially for high performers and especially for people in tech or who have these big careers, it is the default to be very stressed.And I wrote a post on this the other day that a lot of people responded to about getting comfortable with being comfortable, getting comfortable, not being stressed, getting comfortable, feeling really good, not being in chaos. I find that a more challenging thing for high performers than actually stressful environments.
Like, yeah, cool, stress, bring it on. You want to give me a million projects or you want me to have all these things, you want me to like undertake an endeavor or write a novel or do an Ironman or get a master's or start a business on the side, start two businesses on the side, have a kid in the middle of it, fine, great, I can do it all. But I find that actually it's harder for people to strip away, for people not to be stressed, for people to just be okay being comfortable. So I've really been thinking a lot about that as people have said to me, planning a wedding is so stressful.And actually thinking, when am I making stress a default versus I actually have a choice in being stressed?
I am not going to participate in this stress culture and I no longer want to participate in this. I no longer want to be telling people, this is the most stressful thing. I think especially, I do talk to a lot of people who want to start businesses and who want to leave tech or leave, you know, any type of industry and actually go into coaching or going into personal styling or something totally different. And there are realities of it. And yes, a lot of it can be stressful, but just understanding that it doesn't need to be.
How prepared are you? Do you have the right mentors in place? Are you organized? All of that thing, all of that reduces stress. So really getting that stress can sometimes be a choice. And not only can it be a choice, but it can be a default. And so almost starting to challenge that default. When is it something that you are no longer going to participate in? So if that resonates,let me know.
And on that note, I do want to call out the big f*cking dreamer of the week. And that is Corey Welsh, my absolute queen. I love Corey so much. I've done a LinkedIn live with her before. She's actually going to be doing a podcast episode with me a bit later on, maybe early next year, which I'm so excited for. And Corey is currently in the life and work transformation. And she she's also a big f*cking dreamer, which is why she's a big f*cking dreamer of the week.
But something that I love about Corey is that she always pushes herself. And she just said to me, you know, I'm really choosing to live every day in delight. And what are the delightful things I can do to make my life better? And we did an exercise in the life and work transformation. And I actually had Dr. Bradley Wright, and he's coming on this podcast as well, which is so exciting. He runs something called the Purpose Lab out of the University of Connecticut. And what he had us do is actually say, what are the possibilities of your life?
And some people think, okay, this is just my life. Maybe I have this type of job. have, you know, I have a child or I don't have a child or I have a house. I have a mortgage, blah, blah, and just kind of like, do, do, do, do, do. Like this is what's all laid out for me. But what we actually did is we said, what are all the different possibilities of your life? And what are 10 different possibilities and what you think is happening right now?
And Corey really dove deep into that. And then she texted or she sent me a voice note saying that she also included her partner in on that. She reviewed all the possibilities with him. It really sparked a conversation about how they support their life goals. So Corey is an example of someone who's really embodying big f*cking dreamer, who's pushing herself, who's looking at this, who's shaping her ideal life, working very hard, but also being so holistic and being very intentional about what she wants.
So if you want to be big f*cking dreamer of the week, there's going to be something in the show notes you can apply to be it. You will get a shout out. You'll get an Instagram post, but I want to know, are these things helping you? Are you a big f*cking dreamer? And are these things helping you in your life? Are they making a difference in any way? So let me know. I'd love to feature you. Again, that's in the show note.
So we are going to get into now holistic goal setting.
All right, big f*cking dreamers. So this is going to be for you if you feel like I'm not living my ideal life. I'm unclear, I'm stagnant, I'm ambitious, but I have no huge goal. Maybe you feel like you're just like a ping pong ball that you're like so busy that you've got plans after plans after plans and you've got actually no space to be intentional. You feel like you're just running around all the time.Or you could also have a huge goal or a few huge goals that you're just not getting done.
And I would say that understanding here that holistic goal setting, a lot of times what happens is people will often set these huge goals. And they might say, OK, I want to, for example, I'm sure this is happening a lot now with Olympians, where there is one huge goal, which is go to the Olympics, win a medal, be an Olympian. I mean, that's a massive f*cking goal.I don't know if there's like any other goal that's kind of globally recognized as that. I mean, maybe be president of the United States, but seems like a lot of people could get in. Anyway, I won't go into that.
So if we look at a holistic goal and sometimes if you've got this one huge goal, but it almost feels like that huge goal can be at the cost of other things. So if you are sitting there and you're like, OK, I want to be a CEO or I want to be an executive or I want to write a novel or be a Pulitzer Prize winner, whatever. And I'm willing to sacrifice every single thing for that. And what that typically leads to is burnout. What that typically leads to is one area of your life completely taking over at the neglect of a lot of other areas.
And so for me, before my burnout crisis in 2020, I really felt like work took a huge priority in my life over a lot of other things.And it was like actually sacrificing my wellbeing for this one component. So if we think about all the different components of our lives, for me, it's like my relationship with my partner, my health and fitness, like health is a, you know, extremely top value of mine because my health has been really rocky over the years. And now it's something I really prioritize.
So what that means is working out X number of times a week, going to recovery meetings, sleeping eight hours, you getting all those basic needs met, being with my partner, having friend time each week, creativity in writing, learning.
One of my clients recently realized that she loves learning, but she was making no time for it. And so looking at your life totally holistically, because what typically tends to happen is a lot of people have these huge goals. And I've seen it time and time again.
And one time I was working with someone, or actually I wasn't working with them. One time there was someone who was an extremely high performer at a tech company. And I remember them saying to me, they had set this financial goal. The financial goal was like to make $100 ,000 in one month or it was something like that. And they met that goal. And I remember sitting with them and they were like, okay, yeah, like this is how much money I made. Like I actually did it. And I said, wow, how do you feel about it? And that person just said empty, like I feel nothing.
And it was such a sad moment. I don't know if they thought it was sad, but I thought that that was extremely sad because I also saw how much they had to sacrifice in other parts of their life to do that and the emptiness that it caused. And so what typically happens sometimes is that when you have this one goal or when you don't necessarily approach something as looking at it as holistically as your entire life and understanding that, okay, this is actually the type of ideal life that you want and then working backwards from that.
And in the Life and Work Transformation, my group program, first we look at what are the components that we do at the ideal life and then actually we do goal setting at the end. Because a lot of times what happens is people look at goal setting first and they're like, “I wanna be a novelist” or “I want to get a promotion”. That's a huge thing that I see a lot, “I wanna become a people leader.”
I actually was having a conversation with a friend today about this and she was like, you know, I was a really strong individual contributor. I wanted to become elite and like an individual, a manager that was just what was next for me. Then all of a sudden getting into management and realizing, wow, I actually really don't like this. What does this mean? This means that I have to be on call a lot of the time. This means that I have to like hear and take on a lot of other people's shit. This means that I am the escalation point for anything that happens for a lot of accounts or client difficulty. This means I don't get as much time with my child and with my partner.
And so it's understanding that actually doing a holistic life goal setting where you're like, okay, how much free time do I want first? How much time do I want with my partner for a week? What does my workout schedule look like? How many hours do I wanna work for a week? What's my stress tolerance with those hours? And when you start to plan,your entire life versus just one goal of “I wanna be a manager”.
Because what happens with the one goal of “I wanna be a manager” is that sometimes you get to be a manager and then you realize, actually, this was so incompatible with what I wanted for my life. I am now drained, I am now getting a bunch of shit from clients because I'm the escalation point. I now feel like I don't have free time, I don't have control of my schedule. I'm now pulled into forecast meetings, I'm pulled into meetings with sales ops. I have to performance manage. I have to hire. You know, I have to deal with attrition versus it might have just been easier to be an end, not even easier, but more fulfilling to be an individual contributor and to actually just manage your own book of business, really have control of your schedule.
So really understanding like working backwards. So what are the components of your ideal life? And then also what are the things that you really want in your ideal life? And if you have a big goal,How does that one goal fit into it holistically?
And I had another client who had worked so hard for this promotion. And then she actually had got the promotion before she started working with me. And what we realized in our work together was that while she made a lot of money, there was a huge cost to it. And that cost was her mental sanity. That cost was sleep. That cost was her health. And she also looked at the executive team around her.
And so here's another thing, if you have these huge goals, but you look at the people that have achieved those huge goals and you look at their lives and you think what does that life look like?
I remember I had a conversation with a friend and he was talking about someone really well respected in the industry. And he was like, he's super successful, but he's going through this really nasty divorce. Like his kids don't speak to him. Like I think he has a drinking problem. And I remember saying,Is that successful? Like, okay, this guy's got a house in Valclus, but is that really, and that could be his definition of success. Maybe that is his definition of success understanding that, looking at all these things holistically before you start getting these goals set, before you start getting this goal.
And my client that I was just talking about, she had achieved all of this stuff. She did get the big goal, but there was such a cost to it.And then what we realized is that actually her career path, there was always going to be a huge cost. And then from like really understanding, okay, that career path, that trajectory that she was on, there was always going to be a big cost associated with it. And she didn't actually want to pay that cost anymore. And sometimes it can be really scary and has been scary for her to switch careers. But now she's doing something where the stresses isn't as big. She found something that was actually still aligned to her financial goals where she could still get a really big income. And there's a lot of potential, but it's not going to be as mentally draining.
And so really looking at, know, is this big goal that you have? Is it just focused in one specific silo of your life? And how is it going to impact these other parts of your life?
And so when we think of, you know, if we think of goal setting, obviously, SMART goals is like a huge thing of that. So SMART goals, if you don't know, it's an acronym and it stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time -Bound.
And I almost want to add two things to that. And so when you're looking at a SMART goal, I also want to say, is it sustainable and is it meaningful? Because I know for me, for example, building a business, like a lot of people have said to me, and this goes to the beginning of the episode as well, a lot of people have just kind of fed me. And I think that I should caveat this with, which I do think that building a business does require a large amount of hustle.And I will say that to get it off the ground and to get it to a place that I have needed to get it to, it has required a lot of grit, but I don't subscribe to the fact that my business has to completely take everything from me. And because I have a burnout history and because once you are diagnosed with burnout once, you are likely to get burnout again. Like I have to be extremely careful.
So I've really decided that I am not going to sacrifice my health. I'm not going to sacrifice my relationships. I'm not going to sacrifice my well-being for my business. Someone else might totally be willing to do that. And that's fine. That one goal might take up other areas of their life. But I would ask yourself, you know, what is it that you want your life to look like? And it might be, I'm willing to sacrifice everything for that one goal.
I remember Ryan Holiday saying this actually about how he can't really compare himself to other writers because other writers might not have a family, other writers might not. I mean, he has a farm in Texas, other writers might not be have the things that he has and they might not think it's that important, writing might be their only goalpost.
And so this is kind of another caveat of when you are comparing yourself to someone. You never know what they're willing to sacrifice for it.And I can do this even with other business owners whose businesses I think have taken off quicker than mine, and I can think, wow, you know what is that? I don't know what their sleep routine looks like. I don't know what their health looks like or their relationship with their partner looks like. I think I pride myself, me and my partner pride ourselves on having like a really solid relationship with a lot of communication. I pride myself on how much I look after myself. I'm not willing to sacrifice everything for my business. I'm just not.
And so it's understanding that, what's the optimum goal here? Because if it's just that one thing, then you might need, then some things might get in the way of it. And I would say in exercise as well, so if you are having trouble and you do, let's say you do have one specific goal and you've done your life design and you're like, okay, great. It actually is my goal to get this promotion or to make more money or to write a novel or maybe even get in a relationship.But you're having trouble meeting that goal. So you're consistently, setting that goal, but consistently you just find you just can't meet it for whatever reason.
So typically what happens is that if you're having trouble meeting a goal that does support your ideal life that you're looking at, there's usually some cognitive dissonance going on. And there's usually a part of you, and this is where internal family systems comes in, but there's usually a part of you that is somehow scared to meet that goal. So it's self -sabotaging for some reason.
And so you need to understand about that. And what I would do is this is a technique from NLP. So from the neuro -linguistic programming is understanding, how does this one goal actually support my values?
So I'll give you a personal example. When I first started my business, I really thought because I had burnout so severely and because I couldn't work for so long,I had a thought pattern in my head that was saying hard work meant sickness. And I thought, okay, if I work really hard, I'm actually going to get sick again. And health is one of my top values. So what I had to do is I had to write how having a thriving business supported my top value of health.
And then I came up, you know, I wrote 20 different reasons and I was like, okay, if let's say I have a thriving business that means I have more financial means, which means if there is a doctor that I need to see, or I can get more supplements, or it's like, if my business is thriving, I won't have financial stress anymore. I know less stress in my system means that it's very good for me. And so if I have a thriving business, then I'll be able to go on trips more. I'll be able to see my family more and go overseas more. And so was really just unpicking, okay, where does this support my values?
So,If you have a goal and you've done values work and you have a goal that you haven't reached, you're having trouble reaching, write 10 to 20 ways of how that goal supports your values. And what happened after that is after I did, I mean, I did a lot of work in a lot of different modalities because as you guys know, I'm like a self -help addict. And so I'm just like, you know, throwing this, throwing this, throwing EMDR, throwing some NLP, throwing some shadow work, doing some IFS, whatever modalities I thought.
But it was so interesting because after that, my business really started taking off. And then after I did all that work, after I realized how a thriving business supports my value of health rather than deterring from it, my business actually just hit one month was the highest revenue month followed by the second, followed by another record breaking month, followed by another record breaking month. Then a lot of tech companies started approaching me to do work for them. And it was just this really amazing thing of, okay,kind of putting it out there, kind of understanding like, wow, this is actually going to be really good for me. And then I could work with it on a subconscious level because I wasn't fighting it.
So if you feel like, again, just as a recap here, I'm going to go over what we spoke about today. So when you're thinking about goal setting, you want to think not just about this one goal and not really get tunnel vision. You want to think what is this one goal going to do holistically for my life?And when you start to think about goals, you know, SMART goals are a great way to think about it, but also think, this goal also sustainable and meaningful as well as specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time -bound, et cetera?
And if you're having trouble reaching goals consistently, chances are there's some type of self -sabotage or cognitive dissonance going on. So really getting understanding, okay, how would achieving those 10 goals or how would achieving that one goal support your values?I would list 10 to 20 ways, see what you come up with, think out of the box here, like try to think, that's why you should list so many things so it actually kind of loosens up your neural pathways, you're starting to think differently, that's a technique for mind mapping. But anyway, enough about that.
So if you are a big f*cking dreamer, if you found that helpful, please let me know. If you want to talk about more holistic goal setting, I am also hosting a webinar on September 12th. It is called From Stuck to Thriving, Creating a High -Paying, Fulfilling Career. If you wanna look at how to create a life and career holistically that you want to, that you feel like would be really beneficial to you, come to that masterclass. I will post it in the show notes. And if you are also a big f*cking dreamer and you wanna be featured on Big f*cking Dreamer of the Week, post that as well.
And I will see you next week. Big f*cking dreamers, go achieve those big f*cking dreams.