How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Like a B*tch
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I didn't fully know what boundaries were until I worked with a therapist who taught me about them.
One of the biggest internal boundaries in my life was giving up alcohol in 2017. It's a boundary that I haven't crossed since.
I am so passionate about this topic because learning the skill of putting in boundaries has transformed my life.
People often think that boundary setting is about something you do or say to other people.
This is not true.
Boundaries are there to protect the most precious thing in your life: you.
What Exactly is a Boundary?
Before we dive into the nitty-gritty, let’s clarify what a boundary actually is. A lot of people think setting boundaries is about being a badass, telling everyone how they should treat you. But boundaries are about protecting your own peace, not about controlling others. They’re limits you set between yourself and others to keep your well-being intact.
Indicators You Need Boundaries
Neglecting Self-Care: Skipping workouts, not sleeping enough, grabbing junk food on the go.
People-Pleasing: Filling your calendar with things you don’t want to do (like a bunch of one-year-old birthday parties) and feeling resentful about it.
Exhaustion and Overwhelm: Avoid responding to texts because you don’t have the energy to respond and feeling overwhelmed.
Rescuing Others: Constantly offering unsolicited advice or taking on others' problems.
Anger: Frequent anger at your partner, kids, boss, family, or friends.
The Six-Step Process to Setting Boundaries
One of my favorite ways to set boundaries is by using the LIMITS framework by Dr Rebecca Ray.
Step 1: Leader
Find your inner leader. Picture someone you respect who exudes confidence and commands respect. For me, it was a former colleague named Claire who had this untouchable energy. Channel that vibe. Know your worth and let that guide you.
Step 2: Identify the Boundary
Is the boundary internal (something you set for yourself) or external (something you set with others)? For example, an internal boundary might be committing to exercise four times a week. An external boundary could be telling your partner that if they raise their voice, you’ll leave the room.
Step 3: Make the Boundary Known
Communicate your boundary clearly. Don’t assume people can read your mind. Use nonviolent communication techniques to express your needs effectively.
Step 4: Introduce Consequences
Boundaries need teeth. If someone crosses your boundary, they need to know what will happen. For example, if your partner raises their voice, you will leave the room. Make sure the consequences are clear and consistent.
Step 5: Take a Stand
Reassert your boundaries. People won’t always get it the first time, especially if you’ve had a long-standing relationship where certain behaviors were accepted. Don’t be afraid to repeat yourself.
Step 6: Status Check
Regularly check in with yourself. Are your boundaries still serving you? Life changes, and so should your boundaries. For example, what worked when you were in a corporate job might not fit now that you’re an entrepreneur.
Dealing with Boundary Violators
When you set boundaries, some people won’t like it. They might call you selfish or say you’ve changed. Their reaction is a reflection of their emotional health, not yours. Stay firm and consistent. You’re teaching people how to treat you, and that’s a lesson worth repeating.
Final Thoughts
You are the owner of your life. If you feel exhausted and spread thin, it’s time to reclaim your time and energy. Boundaries are your ticket to a life that feels good, that’s less cluttered and more intentional. It’s not about being mean; it’s about being free.
Also, my Life and Work Transformation program opens on July 12th. It’s a 20-week journey to help high performers like you set boundaries, build self-esteem, and transform your life. DM me for more details.
Now, go set a boundary and don’t feel like a b*tch about it. You’ve got this, and I’m rooting for you all the way. If you enjoyed this, share it with a friend. If not, well, keep that to yourself (that’s my boundary ;).
Keep dreaming big,
HK