Personal Update : I Got Engaged & Dating Advice That Helped Me Get There
Transcript of the episode recording:
Hey, big fucking dreamers. So pumped for you guys to be here today. Episode 11. And I've just been rocking out to Celine Dion in my office. I highly recommend great pump up music. Just I won't sing to you. I think I sang to you last episode with Taylor Swift and I definitely won't do that again. When I was editing that, I was like, my God, don't sing on the podcast.
Really, really excited and to share some exciting news and a personal update on my end is that I got engaged two weekends ago to my beautiful partner. I keep calling him my fiance and he's like, my God, that's so cringe. And I'm like, we're fiancees. He hates that. But he also has like a normal job and doesn't talk on the internet for a living.
But anyway, got engaged last weekend and it was definitely one of the happiest moments of my life with Chris, with my partner and then we celebrated with his family after. And I think it was so happy for a few different reasons. One, because I have a really amazing partner and I can't wait spend my life with him, but it was also a huge reflection point for me, which was I have done so much fucking work in order to be in a healthy, beautiful relationship and to be fully comfortable in it, fully stay, fully stable.
That is not my history. That's not my background. I'm not someone who found it easy to be in healthy relationships. I've had quite a few volatile relationships and definitely not not saying that it was ever just the other person's part. I think in a relationship dynamic, there are always two people. And so I've had to look a lot at my part in that as well and really understand and unpack my history, which is a lot of what we're going to be doing here today. Not necessarily my history specifically, but things that I think really will guide you and will guide my clients to have healthier functional relationships.
And I said to Chris, the, you know, it's not that someone chose me or a big wedding or getting married or anything like that. The pride really comes from, wow, I have worked so hard to get here, to be in this place, to be with this beautiful man and to move forward. And my life could have really turned out a very different way. This always on the cards for me to have a relationship like this and to be committed to a relationship like this. And it took me a lot of therapy and some coaching, but I mainly did a lot of this work in therapy as well as in a 12 step fellowship, understanding my patterns, understanding why I really wanted to move closer to toxic people or toxic relationship dynamics. And I had to unpick that. And then I had to actually move forward in my life.
And so this episode is for you if let's say you're single and you have a kind of a spotty relationship history or you could be recently divorced. This would be applicable to you as well. And maybe you're recently divorced and potentially in your marriage things might have changed, but there also could have been red flags that early on that maybe you want to spot better the next time when you're going out and you're going to be on the market again.
And so this is to really ensure to help you pick the right partner at whatever stage of life you're in. And even if you already are in a relationship, already are in a healthy relationship, this could be really helpful as well for you to really understand your patterns. So we are going to dive right in to the three principles that I would say are guiding fundamentals to having a healthy relationship and choosing a healthy relationship.
So principle one is understanding your patterns. And what I would say here is if you have any sort of toxic relationship history, toxic dating history, you need to do an inventory and what this looks like. And I actually have a worksheet on this. So if you are wondering how to do this in real time and you're listening to this podcast, DM me either on Instagram or on LinkedIn and DM me saying red flag worksheet and I'll send you this worksheet. I have my clients fill this out in the life and work transformation, my group program, and they fill this out anytime there is any sort of toxic relationship history or even any history with bosses where they're like, okay, I continuously work for the same bad boss over and over again. It's the same type of scenario just in different companies. Or if they're constantly fighting with a family member, a different family member. anytime there is a repeating dynamic in any sort of relationship, but especially in romantic relationships, getting an understanding of what's going on.
So what I have my clients through is I walk them through a worksheet where it says, okay, what happened? What were the green flags early on? Also, what were the red flags early on? And what usually happens is that when people go relationship by relationship, so let's say you've had four significant romantic relationships in your life, or maybe it hasn't even been significant relationships. Maybe you've actually never had a serious partner, but you've always had these little flings.
So if you have four of those flings, then this is a pattern as well. And so you're going through and you're understanding, okay, what were the green flags that presented early on, but what were the red flags early? Are you attracted to volatile relationships, for example? Or do you find that people who don't give you the spark boring, so you just walk away? Maybe there was kind no volatility early on, or there wasn't push -pull, but then you just labeled someone as beige or generic or boring. And so when you start to actually have it on paper of saying, OK, these are my patterns. This is what I do. Here are the red flags that are showing up very consistently. Then you're able to take action and actually have the knowledge.
You can't start change without awareness. And this is really the first step toward awareness is understanding where are these patterns, where are they repeating, and where am I part of the equation? Because sometimes what I hear in dating and even on podcasts, it's like, dating's so rough in New York or LA or Sydney or blah, blah, blah, whatever fucking city it is, or there aren't any available men or maybe there aren't any available women or blah, blah. And it's not actually looking at the patterns and not actually seeing where am I at? Where is my part in this? So early on, looking at these patterns before you get into a relationship so you can see maybe the pattern could be someone chose interest in me and then I don't like them and then I find them really boring. Then I find that there's no chase. Then I'm not attracted to them. There's no spark. That's a repeating pattern.So getting very clear on that. This is a lot easier to do when you are single versus when you are in a relationship or when you are in a marriage. I still do this with clients to make marriages better and to help them get their marriages to a place where everyone feels good, everyone feels safe, everyone feels stable and solid and heard.
But the best time to do work like this is if you are single because it does just tend to get messier, especially when there's a marriage involved and there's a family involved. So if you are single, I would say this is a perfect time to start taking advantage of really looking at these patterns in order to change it. then principle two is really understanding what are your non -negotiables? What are the things that you absolutely need to have? And what are your deal. And your non -negotiables can't be like six, five, finance, blue eyes. That can't be a non -negotiable.
If you are so prescriptive in a relationship or if someone, if you are the type of person that dumps someone because their eyelashes are too long or because they sneezed in a weird way or because they wore weird shoes, then this type of thing, then that's really a you issue where you need to look at, okay, wow, I'm finding and really nitpicking on things. But I would say in non really picking, I would say a max like two to three. What are the two to three things that you need to have in a relationship?
I know for me, my partner has to be extremely intelligent. I've kind of tried dating people all over the intelligence spectrum and I have just settled I need to be intellectually stimulated. I will place that above everything else. I of course want to be very, very attracted to my partner, but it wasn't like a specific height requirement or a specific body type or something like that. understanding what are the non -negotiables that you need? Is it that you need someone that's intelligent or you might need someone that's well traveled or you might also need someone that's of a specific financial income? Especially if you're a high earner and you want someone to compliment that as well.
I think people tend to shy away from finances in these types of conversations because they don't want to appear shallow in vain. But sometimes if you're going to have less respect for your partner because they are on a lower earning income bracket than you are, then that's a sign that you might need someone with a higher earning income bracket. That's not to say though that you want someone to rescue you or bail you out.
I would say that is really something if you don't also earn in that capacity, but you want that to be a requirement, then that's a chance that there could be some more internal work to be done there. And that's almost a red flag to look at. But that could be. And then also knowing what are your absolute deal breakers. And sometimes I find with clients is they think that they're being too picky. But clients with kind of spotty relationship histories.
There will be major things that are definite deal breakers, but they won't necessarily walk away from. So any type of abuse, any type of excessive drinking or drug use, mean, for me, that would definitely be a huge deal breaker since I am a sober woman. That might not be a deal breaker to some people, but for me, it definitely is. But what I would say universal deal breakers are anytime there's threats, anytime there's things like that. That starts to get into, I mean, this episode isn't on emotional domestic violence, but understanding the patterns of abuse history, because I have had clients seem highly functional and are highly functional and have these big jobs, but when they tell me what goes on in their relationships, there is some sort of things of like, okay, these are major red flags. any major disrespect or if someone's consistently threatening the relationship, threatening to walk away from the relationship, that's a huge red flag as well. So getting very familiar on what are you going to walk away from and what are you going to stay in?
And also doing this before you actually in a relationship. And what I would do is look at the red flags that you have seen on your relationship history. And that's going to determine what are your deal breakers. But what starts to happen is when people get, start dating, especially if they have these toxic patterns, when they then start dating, it's like everything goes out the window. They're like, my God, but this guy's so hot or this chick's so hot. You know, even though he's not really calling me consistently and even though he doesn't really seem like he's interested all the time or I might think they're dating other people, maybe this guy could have a good job or whatever. And it's like, then people really start to compromise once they're already in a relationship.
And I've seen this time and time again with clients. So what is good is actually understanding when you're not dating, what are the deal breakers and writing it down. And it's very black and white. So therefore, when you're already in a situation and maybe things aren't, have hormones surging, there's attraction surging, then all of a sudden you're not just throwing everything out the window. understanding what it is before, understanding what those deal breakers are before is really, really crucial. it makes things a lot clearer.
And principle number three is working on your shit once you enter into a relationship and that means both alone or with your partner. So if you have a spotty history or if you know that you always get, you have parts of you that get really angry in relationships or erupt or maybe it's like the partner doesn't vacuum and then you just want to lose your shit and scream over that and this type of pattern happens once you're in a relationship.
Then that's a clear signal that you need to get help on your own. So do you need to get help on your own? Are you constantly flaring or are you constantly shutting down? That's also a red flag. So I see both extremes in clients where some clients will erupt in anger, but then other clients, and this is more my pattern that I've really had to work with over the years because I don't ever erupt in anger. I just go totally silent. I mean, I used to erupt in anger when I was drinking, which is one of the reasons that I don't drink anymore. I will just totally go silent. I'll shut down. I won't say anything's wrong. That's definitely not my pattern today, but I've worked very hard on that, which is another thing.
A common misconception about being in a healthy relationship is that it's innate. Being in healthy relationship is a skill, and it is a skill that can be developed just like any other skill. And I think people think if they've had a spotty relationship history that they think, this is just the way things are. But no, you can always work on this and you can always develop the skills of being in a healthy relationship. So if you feel like, you know, hopeless, or if you feel like this maybe isn't just for me, just know that that's not true and know that this having a healthy relationship is 100 % possible if you work on these things. And if you're actually saying, I'm going to take the time out to work on this skill and to get better. So that's just a bit of a tangent there, but I think people do think that they're doomed and you're definitely fucking not. Like you can have what you want. It is completely possible.
So anyway, if you notice that you shut down in relationships or you erupt in anger or maybe you start to withhold sex or maybe it's that super sexually active and or maybe you are have a pattern of cheating and infidelity, whatever that is, I think understanding that getting in a relationship isn't the end goal. And once you get into a relationship, then things start to flare even more. So getting the proper support on those things is absolutely crucial. And then if you're listening to this pod class, then you're clearly with you're clearly into self development of some this isn't a non -negotiable that I really realized until I got into a relationship with someone who was so open. And my partner, he's not in this world at all. He's not in the self -development world. He's, you know, an executive and kind of on that path as well, but he is an extremely open person.
And I think for me, I have realized over the years being with him, that that actually is a non -negotiable because I when you pick a partner who is open and who is willing, when things do come up in the relationship, it's a lot easier to be with someone who actually wants to work on it and who is willing to get help. So this is another tool, which is get help before it's bad.
So really, preventative help and whether that's with a coach, whether that's with a couples therapist. I know for me and my partner, we had this one thing in our relationship is, you know, super solid, but there was this one area that we both wanted to work on and we just, we knew that we were in it for the longterm. And so it was like, okay, there's this one area that we want to work on. It's not that big of an issue, but it's something that we wanted to be preventative about. So we worked with a coach on it.
I found a coach that was very specific to it. We worked with the coach, we resolved this thing and it was great, but we didn't wait until it was too late. And I think that there's, I think there's a statistic, especially about couples therapy where like people use couples therapy as like a last resort rather than just saying, how can I improve what is already a solid foundation? and if there is something where you could get help on than being preventative and actually moving forward with my main takeaways here would be that understanding that being in healthy relationship is 100 % a skill, and it's a skill that can be developed. You're not doomed to be in unhealthy relationships just because you have been in the past. And there are three fundamental things that I would look at.
So number understanding your patterns, writing them down, really understanding what are the red flags that have presented to you in relationships? What are the things that you tend to ignore? What are the things that you see are consistently an issue for you and creating that really base awareness of it? And then number two, getting very clear, what are your non -negotiables and what are your deal breakers? What do you definitely need someone? What are the qualities that you need someone to have? Also, do you have those qualities yourself?
If you have a non -negotiable for someone, that, you're not meeting that need yourself, then that's going, that that should really be the focus first on like, be that person to you before you're demanding that of someone else. Understanding what the deal breakers are. What are the things that you will absolutely walk away from no matter what, whether that's drinking, whether that's disrespect, whether that's any type of emotional abuse, threatening the relationship, cheating, infidelity, but just know what are my solid deal breakers?
And number three is working on your own shit, both alone and in a relationship. So if you think that there are things that you do in relationships, such as erupting in anger, shutting down, infidelity, there are patterns that you have, understanding that it's your responsibility to actually get help for those patterns. But then also, hopefully being with someone who is open and who is willing to work on the relationship as a couple. And that's huge as well, which is number three.
So that's it for me today. while I am a career coach and, you know, life coach as well, I would say that relationship coaching, some sort of relationship coaching does usually come into my practice because we are all in relationships, whether it's romantic relationships, whether it's relationships with our stakeholders, with our clients, with our children, et cetera. So this type of thing, these patterns typically span across multiple relationships, not just romantic relationships.
So if you liked this, please shoot me a DM and tell me what you thought of this. I really love hearing from people. It really helps me keep going. And I would also love this if you could send it to someone. That's how this podcast will grow. So right now, if you could send it to someone, I'm also thinking of doing a little giveaway for the Life and Work Transformation just for my podcast listeners, which I'm going to announce next week, which is really exciting. And I hope that you achieve your big fucking dreams and I will see you next week