Owning Your Space Without Becoming an Asshole
Transcript of the episode recording:
Hey, big f*cking dreamers. I am so pumped to be here with you today to talk about a really fun topic. Actually, it's not necessarily a fun topic, but it's a really crucial topic. And I was thinking about it when I was talking to a tech company and they approached me about doing some work for their employee resource group for one of their women at groups. And it was on imposter syndrome and confidence and things that I talk about frequently. then they asked me about performance reviews. And they were like, how do I toot my own horn without being an asshole during performance reviews? And I was like, wow, what a great topic to talk about.
Because I see this a lot more in Australia versus in the US. But in Australia, I've spoken about this on the podcast before, there's something called tall poppy syndrome, which is like when people get too big or they start having a lot of success. A lot of people want to cut them down. And the theory, the relevancy behind it is like, you know, the tallest poppies. kind of forgetting my Australian lore here, but it's like the tallest poppies need to be cut down in order to fit in with the rest of us.
So just looking at in this episode, how do you actually own your space? How do you speak confidently? But how do you do it without being an asshole. And what I would say is that what happens is that typically people that struggle with this, there's often a common belief system that could have come from the family unit that could have come from maybe a teacher at a young age or there is typically something where you know, you're too loud. You are too much. No one wants to hear from you or don't.Don't be too loud, don't be too much, because if you do that, then somehow people will reject you.
So typically there is a belief system behind this fear and it is a fear of rejection. so understanding that really looking at if you feel like you want to own your space, you want to be more confident, this is why I do internal family systems therapy, because it's really understanding if there's a part of you that is holding you back, that is saying, It's not safe to be confident or if you do that, everyone will leave you or if you become too successful or if you mess up on stage, then everyone's going to reject you or everyone's going to find out that you're a fraud.
If there is a part of you that is continuously getting through that, is continuously giving you those messages, then you're never going to be as fully confident as you could. And you need to understand what that part of you is, what that history is, why it's actually trying to protect you because actually this thing is trying to protect you for some reason. So why is it trying to protect you? And then once you understand that, then you can resolve it. Now there are just a few certain things that I always see that I want to eliminate in people.
There are certain phrases that people use that are like, I think, or maybe, or I'm not sure. What do you think? Or even sorry. I worked with this one customer success manager. She was absolutely so amazing. She's still just such a f*cking badass. And she might be listening right now, so she might know if I'm talking about her. And we worked together for a very long time, and she was phenomenal at her job. But she kept apologizing to people. And she would just be like, sorry, know, I'm just, can you just do this for me? Sorry. And one day I pulled her into room and I was like, why are you apologizing for doing your job? Stop f*cking apologizing. You're asking for things that is other people's jobs. Like they should be getting you this data or they should be following up with this customer on this thing, or they should be getting you something in operations, whatever it was.
And so understanding, are you apologizing for simply just existing? And I see this with a lot of females as well of like, you just apologize for taking up space. You just apologize simply for being. So catching yourself, do I actually apologize for simply just being? And when you do that, when you apologize for taking up space, when you apologize for just simply existing or for doing your job, it's signaling to the other person, you know, whether that's subconsciously or consciously, but it's signaling to the other person that somehow you're inferior in some way. And it's actually more importantly signaling it to yourself.
And so that's the most important thing here is if there is a fear of speaking up and of not wanting to sound like an asshole, then it's understanding that you want to be signaling strength to yourself in order to do that. And understanding as well of like being how you present in terms of your body language does make a difference.
One of my clients said to me that she was researching body language and she was looking at body language of males versus females in meetings and looking at how males would usually sit back and she was reflecting on how she would kind of hunch forward. She would make herself small. And this is something that I see in women more than I see in men is like looking at your body language. Are you actually collapsing in yourself? Are you making yourself small? Are you hunched over? What is your body language signaling about your power? Are you sitting back? Are your arms open?
And one of my clients before, it was funny, she was kind of going through a tense time at work. And what I actually had her do is before she was going to meetings, we had her do the Superman pose in the mirror, the superwoman pose. So was actually just standing legs apart, arms up and really looking at, okay, I'm going to be strong. I'm going to be filled with strength here. I'm going to sit here and I'm going to act like I own the place. And I had her do that and repeat every single time she went for a big meeting. And it was actually just the simple act of how she carried herself, how she carried her posture. That is then signaling to the rest of the room how to confidently own your space.
But if you come in, if you're slouched, if you are kneeling down, if you're making yourself smaller, if you're saying these words and it's not going to appear as confident. So body language is a huge thing. And two other things that are extremely important in this and it's like just tactical skills are eye contact and silence.
And so silence is a really important tool that I use. I I use this as a coach constantly. I am a meditator, so I do transcendental meditation. I meditate for 20 minutes twice a day. I've done that for years on end, and I'm so comfortable with silence. I can sit in silence for as long as I need to, and I will often do this with my clients and some of them will joke about how uncomfortable it can be in sessions with me because sometimes I just won't say anything，and I'll wait for them to talk.
And silence is an extremely powerful tool. I usually do it because in coaching, instead of taking up the space or trying to feel like I have all the answers, a lot of times the clients have the answers within themselves and it's a lot more powerful if they come to it. So if I'm just silent, I can let them talk. But also if you're in a sales role or if you are working on any type of client development, typically if you just give more silence, the client will tell you more. And the client will usually fill the space. And most people do that, especially in dating or something. People will fill the space and being able to sit in silence also conveys confidence. And it also conveys that you're then able to be okay with that.
And another thing is eye contact. Having direct eye contact, being confident with direct eye contact, not necessarily veering away from eye contact. These are all tactical things that also show that you have strength that you can assert yourself. And when I see people that can't necessarily hold eye contact for a long period of time or are always looking away, I always wonder what's going on for them. Is there something bigger? Is there something internally that's going on for them and what understanding what's in their histories? And that's kind of more if.I am in a coaching relationship with them.
But if I'm not in a coaching relationship with them and it's just a conversation and they can't hold eye contact, there's always something deeper going on. And then as well, this is just also like highly tactical is if you are going into something like a performance review or something like a tense meeting, preparation cannot be understated with like in confidence.
And owning your space can come down to if you feel like you aren't necessarily the most confident of a person and you kind of can't just like riff or go off or something and you need to be prepared, don't underestimate the power of strong preparation and how much strong preparation can help you in these types of scenarios, how much it can help you own your space when you're confident and also not just strong preparation of like what are the facts and the data but the actual rehearsing.
So before I'm going to give a talk or before I'm going to, not necessarily a podcast episode, but if I'm doing public speaking of any way, I will always prepare like extremely. I always do a lot of research on what the organization who I'm speaking with, I try to do a pre-survey before. If the organization fills it out, I then am practicing my speech, I'm practicing my talk, I'm practicing my transitions. I'm trying to understand what's hitting, what's not. So really getting to know preparation is key, especially if you're someone that is, can be quite nervous, especially if you're someone that kind of has issues showing up more confidently and you really want to own your space.
Another thing that I would say is I have a challenge and this is just going to be kind of like a short, sharp, sweet episode, but I have a few challenges for you. So one is go a full day without over explaining things. Feel like I'm just speaking about things that I see in women a lot. But a lot of this episode is more geared toward women because something that women struggle with more. But over explanation can be quite a damaging thing when it comes to owning your space and rambling on going into more extraneous detail.
So if you feel like this is you. Understand what it is that you over explain and try to be short and succinct and then just hold it and hold the line. Don't speak anymore. I feel like I'm Hodor and Lord of the Rings like cold the door. Just hold it. Don't speak anymore. Don't say anything and get comfortable with being uncomfortable because this is actually a skill holding your space owning it. So the challenge number one is go full day without over explaining anything when you feel the urge to justify something, be completely silent, like let it go, like see how people respond, but don't try to fill the space and you'll be, I'm interested to see what actually happens to you.
Then another thing that I want you to do directly is that when people give you a compliment and say that you're good at something, just say thank you. This could be, know, like if someone compliments your clothes, don't be like, I got it on sale or something like that. Or if someone apologizes to you for something that they did. I had a family member apologize for me something recently and it was something that actually had impacted me and hurt me over the years and they apologize for their behavior. I just said, thank you. Thank you for that. I really appreciate the apology. I didn't try to placate them. I didn't try to make them feel better about what they did because their actions actually did really hurt me. And so I just said, thank you.
And it's the same thing with compliments. And when people do apologize or when they make amends to me or when they do compliment me, I really try as much as I can to just say thank you, to accept it and to not actually downgrade myself and say that things don't matter when they actually do. So really the challenge is as well, okay, anytime someone compliments you, anytime someone apologizes, just say thank you and hold it.
And then also another thing is I want you to just go out and really own your top three skills and share them. If you want to send me a DM with your top three skills here, if you're like, I don't know what my top three skills are, find out, ask people around you, ask people that you work with. You're listening to a self-development podcast, so clearly you're like a very skilled, curious person. But ask people around you, what are my skills? And then share it with someone else.
If you don't have anyone to share it with, or if you want, if you feel like you're going to be an asshole, send me a DM with those skills and say, okay, here are my top three skills. I give presentations really well, or I'm highly organized, or I never miss a birthday, or I'm a really good dog mom, or whatever it is. But own those skills. Step into your power. Send me a DM with them. Send them to your friends and just say, this f*cking podcaster just wanted me to send this to you. But I want you to own it, and I want you to own it with conviction. And it's almost like teaching your brain that it's okay to own your bigness. It's okay to be big. It's okay to be vibrant. It's okay to be great. It's safe. It's safe to do all those things.
And realizing that if there are people in your life that are continually shutting you down. Unfortunately, sometimes this can be family. Sometimes this can be partners. Sometimes this can be even the workplace where not everyone wants people to be big and succeed. And that is the unfortunate part of it. But the stronger you get and the bigger you get and the greater you get, then you kind of start to realize who those people are in the relationship.
So if you feel like you don't have relationships that are supporting you to be in your greatness, then it's taking a hard look at those relationships and seeing, okay, how much power am I giving them? Who is actually, you know, gets led into this part of my life? Because that is a huge thing.
And I was speaking with a client the other day about this, and she was just telling me about a member of her family and how a member of her family actually doesn't have the privilege of being close to her anymore. And it doesn't mean that she doesn't love this family member. Doesn't mean that she doesn't actually care about this family member. But sometimes it's these family dynamics that have the most power over us, the most power to hurt us.
And you have to also look at family objectively and say, are they supporting my dreams or are they trotting me down when I am big, when I have big accomplishments? Do they lift me up? Do they celebrate me? Do they say how proud they are of me? Or do they say, you know, don't get too big now. Don't think that you're so great. And really asking yourself like who is supporting me on this? Because if you want to achieve greatness, if you want to achieve your destiny or achieve any big goal or really be fully fulfilled in your life and career, you're going to have to have people around you who support you and who actually are going to help you fulfill those things because this type of work is f*cking difficult. Like all of life can be so amazing at times that there can also be a lot of hardship. So having people around you that fully are going to be invested in you and trusting you is going to be crucial.
So that's it for me today. It's a little bit of a shorter episode. If you got a lot out of this, please share it with someone. If you got any out of it, like DM me if any of these tactics work. I would love to hear from you. And thank you big f*cking dreamers for listening. I hope you go achieve your big f*cking dreams and I'll see you next week.